You Must Be On Crack

This page is dedicated to the utterly absurd job postings I encounter. And yeah, there are a lot of them! If you happen across an ad seeking a writer, and you find yourself uttering things such as: “You’ve got to be kidding me.” “Yeah, right.” “You want me to do WHAT for HOW MUCH?” Or — after looking at ads for an hour or so, you are left wondering how our craft has become so sadly devalued, then you will enjoy this page. And, if you come across a listing you’d like for me to include, contact me with either the link to the ad, or a copy of the ad, and I’ll consider it for here.

A Note from  WFaW:  I just want to mention one thing: The Federal Minimum Wage is $7.25 an hour. That’s $290 a week. If you aren’t making AT LEAST that (on average), then maybe…well, never mind… 

Now, without further ado..onto the show!

DECEMBER 2, 2016 – NEW ENTRY – THE FIRST IN FOUR YEARS!

Obviously I haven’t updated this page in a while, but as I was browsing a job site, this “ad” jumped out at me and I just HAD to post it here. I don’t want to give anything away, I think you should enjoy this in all its glory, so without further ado, I give you the job posting that revived YMBoC… as always, my comments are in blue.

Hello,

I have an article writing job that requires a minimum of 1,000 words.

1,000 words! Awesome. What’s it about? Oh, it’s a secret. Gotcha. Okay, I’ll play along…

I will provide you with the article title and subtitles and would like you to research and write a 1,000 word article.

The title and subtitles are still a secret huh? Well, I don’t know what the topic is so I don’t know if I have the expertise to do such a lengthy assignment justice. But I’m still intrigued so I’ll keep reading.

The article must be high quality and future work will follow for the right applicant.

You want me to promise high quality writing about a secret topic. But you’ll give me the title and the subtitles so that makes up for it. Sure, okay. I bet you have some requirements…

Required:

Here we go…
– Native English – Yessir! 
– Interested in completing this job quickly – Got a feeling I could not finish this assignment quick enough for either of us.
– Interested in potential longer term writing assignment – You mean you want people to prattle on for more than 1,000 words? Are those topics secrets as well? I almost feel like I should practice saying “Moose and Squirrel” with a thick Russian accent.
– Article must be 100% original and pass copyscape – Blah blah blah…do my own work….prove it’s my own work…
– NO COPY PASTE FROM ANY SOURCE ALLOWED. – You best not mean the URL cuz otherwise we have a proble….
– Bid at or below the $8 guideline – <insert record scratching sound here> Wait now, what now? Did you drop a zero? Forget the “10” before the “8?”  On what planet do the words “high quality” “article” and “$8” belong in the same sentence? None, unless the sentence is “I will not insult writers by offering $8 in pay for a high quality article.” Oh wait…there’s more requirements!
– Include examples of you previous written articles in your application – Oh, you mean the samples that are paid clips? You mean the paid clips where one PARAGRAPH would have been worth $8? Yes, please let me share the work from decent paying clients so you can insult me. I’m going to grab those clips right now. Oh, you’re not done. How fun.

Please start your application with the word “ARTICLE” so I can be sure you have read and understood the job description. Tell ya what. I’ll start my application with the  word “CRACK” right after I smoke some since I would have to be out of my drug addled mind to actually apply for this gig. This gig wouldn’t even reimburse me for the amount of crack I’d have to smoke to put me in the frame of mind to apply in the first place.

Yeah, it might be time to revive this space. So, if you see an ad that you think might be worthy, shoot me a message at YMBoCEditor@gmail.com with either a link to the ad or a copy of it with a reference.

Latest Entries: 2/24/12

We have some doozies for you today, folks.

Title: Writers Needed: Biographies
Project ID: xxxxxxxxx
Budget: xxxxxxxxx
Category: Writing, Editing & Translation
Description: Please read and respond to each question for consideration.

1. Do NOT bid over $25. See ya! Okay, okay, I’ll play along. Strike 1.
2. Are you proficient in American English? Sure I am! I’m so proficient, I know this ad is a crock and we’re only on question #2.
3. Provide a sample of your creative writing. I can, but I doubt I can produce a better work of fiction than this ad.
4. Do you agree to complete the biography in 7 – 14 days or less? playing along…okie dokie.
5. Do you agree to write a synopsis that’s 1 to 2 paragraphs for each biography? Now you’re getting on my nerves. Strike 2.
6. Do you agree to write a biography with a minimum of 4,000 words? SPECIAL NOTE: You’re going to write three (3) separate biographies that’s 4,000+ words each. Ha! STRIKE THREE – YOUR OUT, BUDDY!
7. Do you agree to edit, run a grammar & spell check before sending bio? Now, I’m just playing around for fun. Um…no.
8. Do you agree ALL material will be original, no plagiarized or plr? Nope. Pay me a fair wage, and I’ll give you original content.
9. Do you understand all material will be checked through CopyScape? Like you even know how to read a copyscape report. I bet you don’t even know what Copyscape is — it’s just one more buzz word you’ve seen on the Internet posted by other cheapskates trying to get something for nothing.
10. Do you agree to use contractions when writing? For instance, you’ll use “don’t” instead of “do not” / “they’re” instead of “they are” / “can’t” instead of “can not” Props for getting your contractions correct, especially “they’re”. Now if only you’d learn the definition of “fair wage”. Hint: this ain’t it.
11. Do you agree to create mini-chapters/sections for both biographies? Nope.
12. You agree to transfer all copyrights to me after you’ve been paid for this assignment. Nope.
If you have any questions or concerns don’t hesitate to ask. Thank you.

WFaW says: Oh, I have a question: 12,000 words for $25. This seems perfectly acceptable to anyone…how?

————————–

We are looking for a full-time BuildMyRank article writer to produce 1000 posts per month. This is a permanent position and you will be required to produce content for submission to BMR daily (at least 5 days per week). If you want to hire me full-time, then you’d best be prepared to pay full-time wages, or at least minimum wage.

You must be experienced in using the BMR system. You will be provided with a writers account and you will be required to submit your posts to each project.

The price per 150 words is 0.30 and you will only be paid for successful posts. Any content rejected will need to be rewritten and resubmitted. Content will cover a diverse range of topics and all necessary keywords will be provided. Um…BMR pays $1 per post. Why would I settle for thirty cents, just so you can turn around and sell them for $1?

We expect a high standard of natural language and your work must be free from errors and grammatical mistakes so this job would suit a native English speaker. How’s this for a high standard of natural language for a native English speaker: You must think I’m on crack. Cuz I’d have to be under the influence of something to even consider taking  this gig.

Although we are initially looking for 1000 x 150 word articles per month, we will accept more so there is scope for you to increase your monthly payment if you have the ability to deliver a larger quantity. 1,000 articles isn’t a large quantity? If I’m going to write 150,000 a month, I’m sure as hell not doing it for $300.

WFaW says: $0.30 for 150 words. THIRTY CENTS for 150 words. Does anyone out there remember when we were complaining about  $0.30 a word? Did you EVER think we would ever wish for those days again? Yeah, me neither.

————————–

Hello

I am looking for blog content for my website. Sample categories are given below or the writer could write for general topics such as health , house, hygiene, parties, friends etc

I will be paying $1 for 5 posts (not more than 500 words).  We would require 40/50 posts every month. The money is not great but work is regular.

Genuine content is requried . The writer could source the content from the internet for reference purposes but should not copy as it will violate copyright rights  and will not be paid

Anybody interested please contact

Details of the post
words – 300/350 words

WFaW says: $1 for 5 posts. It doesn’t say whether that’s 500 words per post, or 100 words per post for 500 words total. And although I’d like to applaud their honesty when they say, “The money is not great but work is regular,” I can’t. Because I have a HARD time believing that is all they can afford to pay their writers. And if it is, all they can afford to pay, then they need to just write the things themselves, and save their pennies until they can afford to pay a decent and fair rate to a writer.

——————————————

The entry below, well, I’m just gonna explain it as we read along. My comments are in red (as usual).

Greeting to everyone! (Read: Greetings Earthlings and those who were just born yesterday!)

We are looking for 10 responsible and willing to work as copywriters native English speakers. Your task will be to write texts (we of course will check the uniqueness) and make them CE optimized. An important requirement is to keep the format of the texts as asked.

The payment is made after the texts are checked once a week charged starting from $0.5/175-200 words depending on the topic. Your earnings will completely depend on the level of your spelling, grammar and style and of course desire to earn good money and do your job on a high level.

Fifty cents for 200 words isn’t going to get you responsible and willing to work as copywriters native English speakers. Fifty cents for 200 words is going to get you the type of writer who mangles sentences such as, “responsible and willing to work as copywriters native English speakers”.

We always have a lot of work to do. (You’ll have to write over 2700 words daily) But keep in mind that you’ll have to do both: write quickly and without mistakes.

For $2.50 for 1,000 wrods — you’ll get nothing but the best, I sware!

Work schedule: 3 working days (daily shift from 8am to 8pm GMT and night shift from 8pm to 8 am GMT), 1 day weekend. You’ll receive your work schedule 1 month ahead.

<insert record scratch here> Hold up, work schedule? Wah???

I have to ask you not to bother if you are irresponsible or not sure whether you want/can/are ready etc to work. We charge fine for 1 failure, but for the second time you are going to be fired.

A fine. A FINE??? Seriously? How much is the fine? How is the fine assessed? I’d hate to lose any of my HUGE payout!

We work the following way: you confirm the fact that you are going to complete the task, write a copy, upload it on our website and correct if there is a need. Once a week we pay you your salary for all the copies that were PROPERLY written.

Here’s how *I* work: I read you ad. I laugh my ass off at the ridiculousness of it. I write copy, basically slamming you and making of your request and desire to “help” writers make an income (and why not, since you’re making a mockery of my profession). Once a week, or when I have enough good entries, I post them for the world to see.

IMPORTANT: remember that you have to be online (skype) during your shift so that we had an opportunity to contact you!

So, you wanna pay me pebbles,chain me to my pebble-producing desk, AND you want me available by pebble phone? And seriously — who wrote this ad for you? One of your best writers, I bet!

If we can’t contact you for 30 minutes – you’ll have to pay a fine, for 3 hours – another fine, for a day – you are made redundant. We ask you to inform us about your absence beforehand if there is an urgent need.

Oh, fine THIS. Your ad is pathetic. You don’t want writers, not professional ones, anyway. Because if you really wanted a pro, then you would research how much a pro makes, and it sure as hell isn’t $6.50 a day, after being on-call for 12 hours. And what do you mean that after a day of unavailability I’m redundant? Do you even understand the words you type? Probably not, because obviously you don’t understand the definition of “livable wage”, “fair pay” or “common sense”. You must be on crack if you think this ad is fair. And someone would have to be on crack to actually agree to this gig.

We are looking forward to receiving your 2-5 examples at xxxxxxx@xxxxx.com

Oh and you want samples, too. Sure, I’ll send them. They’ll come from the email address: nurdreamz@ymboc.com

————————————————————————————————————-

NEW ENTRIES: 12/8/11

I am in need of an experienced product review writer who can complete the following: 1) Write 200 words unique review for the Given products.This is almost a full time job. 2) Conduct research and makes the reviews catchy. Do not bid: 1) If you haven’t writen product reviews earlier. 2) If you charge more than $0.60- $0.70 per review. 3) If you do not have excellent grasp of English. preferably native English speaker. How to bid: 1) Attach a sample of your relevant works 2) Tell me why should i hire you over hundreds? “DO NOT POST YOUR RESUME. BE SPECIFIC WITH THE ANSWERS” Hiring immediately. Thanks

WFaW Says: How’s this for a specific answer: YOU MUST BE ON CRACK!

——————————————————————————————–

I need a professional writer for long term employment. You MUST speak and write PERFECT English. I do not want to spend my time correcting and proofreading your articles. They must be ready for immediate upload to our websites.  So far I have only found one person that can write well enough to do this job. So, if you think you are the one let me see your work. I want to see what you have ACTUALLY done yourself. You will be required to provide as sample article and qualifying applicants will be awarded a large contract. The rate is 3.33 for each 700 word review article.

WfaW Says: Uh, so far you’ve only found one person who could write well enough and was STUPID or DESPERATE enough to do the job. Let’s call a spade a spade, shall we? ————————————————————————–

We need full time writers who can work 8 hours per day 5 days per week writing 150 word articles. Mostly BMR posts but other type of short articles as well. Please state with your bid how many 150 word articles can you do per day and what do you expect to be paid for 1 weeks (5 days) work. Send a sample of your writing. We will hire several writers.

WFaW Says: What they don’t mention, and I had to do a bit of digging to find this out, is that they don’t want to pay more than $.04 per post. Four Cents. But they want you to work 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. Let’s do the math, shall we?

Let’s say you can do one post a minute, cuz you’re like, Superman. That would be 60 posts in one hour. 60 posts x $.04 per post = $2.40 per hour.

And let’s say you actually did this job for 8 hours a day, cuz, you know, you’re dedicated: $2.40 per hour x 8 hours a day = $19.20 a day.

Now we’re making the big bucks.

So, hey, since we’re making enough to maybe buy a half tank of gas, let’s say we worked the full week, cuz, again, we’re dedicated… $19.20 a day x 5 days a week = $96

Oh, where do I sign up! $96 a week for a FULL TIME JOB. Flipping burgers or pumping gas pays better, and you’d probably feel less dirty.

————————–OLDER POSTS———————————-

Job Description I’m looking for writer to write articles for me on daily basis for 8 hours a day. I’m looking only for serious person with experience in writing articles for blogs etc. and want — long term partnership —. Requirements: – I wont be able to pay you more then $1 for 300 words article and $1,5 for 500 words – you have to be online and available at least 8 hours a day – 5 days a week (I’m from Poland so you should be available at EST time zone – but you can write from all over the world unlees you will be online and available from 6am to 2pm EST) – fluent and perfect English – write only 100% unique and well written content – send applications with summary of how much you want for: 150, 300, 400, 500, 700 words articles Also write how many of each articles you can write per hour, for example: three 300 words articles per hour you have to have finished specific ***** tests with rate 90%+: WFaW Says: So, let’s say I can write 900 words an hour. That’s $3 an hour, and you expect me to be at your beck and call 8 hours a day. So, for $24 dollars a day (max!) I’m chained to my desk waiting for you to bestow work upon me. I’d get a better return recycling cans. ——————————————————— “I need the services of an experienced review writer for long term work. I am willing to pay $0.5 per 100 words for a start. This is a very easy work; I will provide you with the resources you will use and my article template. All you need to do is go to the URLs I will provide and rewrite the content into an original review copy. I won’t pay for any content that doesn’t pass copyscape; so please ensure that your work is 100% unique. You are starting immediately!” WFaW says: Um..no, I’m not starting…ever! —————————————————————- Hello Writers, I am looking for good article writers. Pay rates are as indicated in the job title, $1.30 per 500 words. Articles must be unique, error free and strict to the required details. Please include in your post: The number of articles you can manage per day. A sample of your previous work. WFaW says: The words “good writers,” “$1.30,” and “500 words” DO NOT belong in the same sentence unless the sentence is, “I think $1.30 for 500 words is not going to get me good writers.” Unfortunately, this job actually has bids, and it’s only been posted for 25 minutes. ————————————————————— Looking for good experienced content writer for a variety of topics. Looking for writer(s) who can handle the ongoing content writing content for website and submissions. Professional with great writing skills are welcome. I am looking for a content writer with very good English who can write unique articles about web design, SEO, internet marketing, and others topics. You will stick to the time frame when working with me. All The articles needs to be copyscape passed, and plagiarized passed. Good grammar and spelling should be maintained. You should be able to provide 15 articles in a week on a regular basis. I will pay $1 for 500 words that?s $1 per 500 words PLEASE ONLY, ONLY BID IF YOU ARE SERIOUS AND AGREE WITH THE ABOVE Please attach previous writing projects along with BID Good web content writer fresh writing needed. Need to be a good writer. All fresh writing. DO NOT REWRITE FROM ANOTHER. It needs to be fresh content. I will give you the title for doing the writing only. It must be good English writing. Copyscape n DupeFreePro for palagarism and with English guru WFaW says: This dude’s so proud of what he’s willing to pay, he had to state it twice! and correct me if I’m wrong, but I think he wants a fresh writer. Not sure what makes me think that. Anyway, Dude, believe me, only people who are serious and agree with your payment terms are going to apply. Which is why I didn’t.