I’m in a strange place today. Not in a bad mood, not in a good mood, but in some sort of mood nonetheless. When I’m in this kind of mood, I tend to be snarky.
For those not in-the-know, snark is annoyed sarcasm wrapped in humor. I’m quite frequently sarcastic (you know, in case you didn’t get the memo), and annoyance and I go way back, so snark and I being acquainted should come to a shock to no one. But today, I decided to share my snark in a whole new way. Because I’m a giver. Here are a few of my snarly comments about the happenings of the day so far:
(Sidenote: how many of you are regretting being happy that I’m blogging again? Careful what you wish for, eh? 😉 )
Email subject line: How long is a real novel?
My snarky response: One word longer than a fake one.
Post on Facebook from Allen B. West calling Bernie Sanders a democratic socialist
Why can’t you be more like your wife? You sir, are an idiot. Democratic socialist =/= social democrat. If you can’t make a point without lying, then stay dull and quiet.
Email from potential client: I need 500 words with the keyword phrase used 10 times (the phrase was six words long and ridiculous). I’ll pay you $5.
My response: Yeah, no…that’s not even realistic.
Reply: Why do you writers keep turning down this gig? It’s not hard to throw the keywords phrase in.
My response: You really think the keyword phrase is the issue? Don’t get me wrong, 12 percent of your copy being keywords is a bit ridic, but only wanting to pay $5 is more of an issue.
Reply: Okay, so make it 600 words. For $6.
My response: We’re done here.
Guy at gas station: You gettin’ gas? (I’m standing next to the car, nozzle in gas tank)
Me: Nope. Glitter. My car is too fabulous for gas.
Phone call from mystery shop scheduler:
Scheduler: hey Kim, is there any way you can squeeze in an emergency shop?
Scheduler: Columbus. It has to be done by 3 pm.
Me: It’s 1:30.
Scheduler: Is that a problem? I see you’re in WV and OH is right next to it.
Me: It’s two hours from here.
Scheduler: Not according to our tool.
Me: According to your tool, I’m five miles from my house, even though I’m sitting in it. Trust me, it’s two hours away.
Scheduler: <getting annoyed> According to our tool, it’s only 45 miles from you. If you don’t want to do it you don’t have to lie about it.
Me: You need to put a “1” in front of that 45 lady. And you’re right, I don’t want to do it, but it’s not because of the distance. It’s because the only successful tool in the situation is you.
I’m pretty sure I’m not safe for polite society today, so I’m just gonna color and call it a day.